Deprogramming Femdom and Addiction Suggestions

[groggog]

Hi... apologies if this topic comes up often. I usually don't come around these boards.

For several years I've been addicted to femdom files... unfortunately I get most caught up in love addiction, and going down that path has led to some dark places. I'm basically rejected by the women who offer these files and left with an overwhelming loneliness. My life doesn't really allow me to meet women and an actual relationship is virtually impossible.

I'm quite sure there is no easy answer, and professional help for people like me doesn't really exist (long story, but you can guess there is a reason I really can't meet women). As easy as it is to just quit cold turkey (and that is the way I'm leaning, quitting hypno altogether), I'm still left with the same disconnectedness that guided me towards this in the first place.

Anyway, can some of the guys here offer useful advice... or even un-useful advice?

[ProfessorPig]

this is something that i have been troubled with for awhile now. there are some real ethical quandaries about doing general releases of files with devotion and addiction suggestions. inevitably the dom will get swamped with more subs than they can handle, and they almost never have any sort of custom deprogramming file.

i have been working off and on sketching out ideas for a general purpose deprogrammer, and it likely would help some, but for this kind of situation you really need to work one on one with someone to find and remove the specific suggestions that are bothering you. or if the suggestions cannot be removed, at least altered in a way that they no longer negatively impact your life.

if you are really intent on breaking out of that harmful cycle, that you find yourself returning to over and over again, then you need to ask yourself, what drew you to their work/femdom in the first place? a hypnotist can remove the suggestions that are bothering you, but if you immediately bounce back to another femdom, who does the same stuff, you will end up right back where you are now. if you address that question that i raised, you may find that the power that those fem doms have over you weakens to the point that the desires they instilled fade away.

i am no therapist. i can't give you any proper medical advice on dealing with your struggles. but i can listen and share my own experiences. so if you would like someone to talk to about your struggles, feel free to shoot me a PM.

[groggog]

Thanks.
It's not a particular tist, but a general addiction. I'm in a weird place because hypnosis doesn't really work as intended on me, and I keep chasing after someone who I think will work. The usual cycle is, find someone, listen to their work, download more of their files, then run into a brick wall when I realize that yet again nothing can come of it. In the rare cases I managed to work up the nerve to contact someone, I've managed to repulse them, and even if I didn't I can't afford to pay large sums of money for something indefinite. I suppose it is more a matter of looking for affection in the wrong places.

Maybe over time I absorbed some of the content, but to some degree it was present before I started listening. For a while I thought it was levelling out some of the more obnoxious ways I acted out, but I've been spending way too much time going through this cycle, hopping from dom to dom but never getting anywhere.

I know this sounds a lot like trolling for attention but it is what runs through my head.
I have been trying to quit cold turkey for a while and focus on other things in my life, and right now I haven't spent that much money on the stuff. I can cut that out easily enough. It's more the boom-bust cycle, and the unhealthy attraction to things I know will lead nowhere.

[Jackstock]

The real "problem" usually runs a lot deeper.
First of all, everything is fine. You are not ruined. You're fine.
why not seek out a local hypnotherapist? they will totally understand and be able to help you.
Try meditation.

What is it about femdom that you are looking for? what is the FEELING that you are looking to find? Identify what that is, and fill that need. we all have NEEDS you know, and they have to be fulfilled.

[OxyFemboi]

[quote]groggog wrote
It's not a particular tist, but a general addiction. I'm in a weird place because hypnosis doesn't really work as intended on me, and I keep chasing after someone who I think will work. The usual cycle is, find someone, listen to their work, download more of their files, then run into a brick wall when I realize that yet again nothing can come of it. In the rare cases I managed to work up the nerve to contact someone, I've managed to repulse them, and even if I didn't I can't afford to pay large sums of money for something indefinite. I suppose it is more a matter of looking for affection in the wrong places.

Maybe over time I absorbed some of the content, but to some degree it was present before I started listening. For a while I thought it was levelling out some of the more obnoxious ways I acted out, but I've been spending way too much time going through this cycle, hopping from dom to dom but never getting anywhere.

I know this sounds a lot like trolling for attention but it is what runs through my head.
I have been trying to quit cold turkey for a while and focus on other things in my life, and right now I haven't spent that much money on the stuff. I can cut that out easily enough. It's more the boom-bust cycle, and the unhealthy attraction to things I know will lead nowhere.[/quote]

You might want to try ViVe's Deep Clean file. ViVe's description makes it sound applicable to your problem:

This file uses the “Deep Down” Induction to get you into a very deep state of trance, and get your innermost mind to where you can erase all triggers and suggestions that you don’t want anymore. You can either focus on a specific suggestion/trigger, or let your subconscious mind decide which ones are deeply positive and enjoyable for you, and then delete all other triggers and suggestions.

Link: http://www.vivehypnosis.de/?p=1980

JackStock's suggestion of seeing a local hypnotherapist to identify the root of this problem (and then filling that need) has a lot of merit as well.

[groggog]

Meeting a local hypnotherapist or any therapist is a non-starter. No money and a checkered past means I'd probably be booted out, plus I'm afraid to even mention this stuff to a professional based on past experience. Also, I'm limited in what I can seek or face my insurance being revoked (yay government).

I think the root of this is unfixable. I've seen other guys share their experiences, including professional help, and they wound up nowhere or even worse than before. I'm not what someone would consider a whole person and I never will be, and that happened a long time before I got into this (and probably why I wound up hiding in this crap in the first place).

I'm not listening to anything in the past few days and have got to the point where I can't stand the idea of anything sexual or hypno. The answer is probably in that direction, because I can't recall a time where indulgence did one good thing for me.

[groggog]

Well, I succumbed again after telling myself for about two weeks to stay away from fd. I wasn't able to enjoy cumming until I caved and indulged in degrading fantasy. I just had a really nice one.

What have I done to myself? Is there anything good in my life left? I feel terrible afterwards and keep wanting to dump money I really can't afford to spend. It super sucks because in person I'm basically non-verbal and stutter way too much, which makes it impossible to really talk to others.

[groggog]

If I really really tried, I proved to myself that I could get with some woman. It wouldn't last and I'd go through way more rejections than it's worth, and I'd get nothing out of it. It's getting more difficult with age and I haven't tried in years. The whole "stuttering mess" is an intractable problem. I don't have an actual factual job. I really shouldn't be involved in this at all. Probably why I'm hiding in this stupid fetish in the first place.

I really don't want to put myself on another dating site and go through all of that again. It did however teach me that I have no business even trying with women. I really am a loser.

[uw_onsterfelijk]

It sounds like you are in a really dark place right now and the factors that attirbute to that, sadly, are not easy to overcome

There simply will be no, hypnotic or otherwise, OFF switch. Especially given your sexuality is now dependant the fietish for fulfillment.

This will take desire, a good plan, extreme dedication and changing your attitude towards life. Finding happiness, be it with someone or alone, will be paramount to finding your success.

I'd venture to say that it's hard to suggest hypnosis(deprogramming) as part of the cure since it's so much a part of the problem!! I could be wrong with that though. Maybe if you had sessions that were personally tailored for you could I see that there would be a benfit with lasting results.

I know I didn't help, I just felt compelled to post that I hope you find your way on the road to recovery and out of this situation.

Sincerely,
' - Dan

[ProfessorPig]

i have been writing a deprogrammer even since i saw your initial post. there is a strong non hypnotic part of the problem that needs to be addressed as well, but i am not a therapist so i cannot really help with that. this will help with the hypnotic side of it though, and perhaps a little bit with the other part. in the meantime, you would likely really benefit from self reflection, really focus on what draws you back over and over again to something that you have already recognized as being unhealthy. sometimes just the smallest adjustment to a cycle of behavior is enough to break the cycle.

[Jackstock]

It sounds like you could use some help from Teal Swan
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHTpiIkHOjg[/url]

[mistresssurrender]

I think what many people don't realise...is the role that dopamine may play for some subjects, when watching EH videos or listening to erotic hypnosis mp3s.
Some people are more susceptible to becoming addicted.
I am trained as a therapist. I know- if you do want to deal with addiction, you will need to find someone who recognises that erotic hypnosis may be addictive, and who has the skills to work alongside you.

[ProfessorPig]

[quote]I think what many people don't realise...is the role that dopamine may play for some subjects, when watching EH videos or listening to erotic hypnosis mp3s.[/quote]

+1 this.
dopamine is not only critical for the reward element, it also plays an important role in fear based conditioning, as well as love/devotion.

[jtslave]

Groggog,

I wish you the best. These questions of yours help me, and I thank you for raising them. Sorry that you are suffering so.

Mistress Surrender and Professor Pig, how does it help to understand the role of dopamine in hypno subjects? What is that role? Thanks.

Janice / jtslave

[ProfessorPig]

with her background in psychology, mistress surrender can probably answer the question better than i can. the shortest answer i can give is that dopamine is a major neurotransmitter that plays a central role in motivation and reward. its hard to pin down one thing that you could say is the role of dopamine, because it has been linked to so much.

i am less well versed in how to take advantage of it to help people remove suggestions than i am in how people might be using/abusing hypnotic suggestions that might release dopamine. in my first induction i made i played around with the idea of releasing dopamine by having the subject imagine being in a tube filling up slowly with liquid latex, and only telling them that they would be able to breath in it once the latex was up around their mouths. this creation and releasing of fear was an incredibly powerful experience for some and helped make my early files fairly effective in spite of their rough edges.

[jtslave]

Yay, thanks Professor Pig! Your description is very effective.

[groggog]

Well the problem is simple - no one wants to touch me, and that is never going to change. It's probably for the best that I just stop trying to meet people and start doing what I should have done years ago. 30 years of pure rejection should have been enough, and I'm even more of a retard for thinking that there is some sort of life for people like me.

No amount of brain chemistry changes what I see in front of me, or how others have acted. There is a point where someone is insulted too many times to ever live a valid life, and that happened a long time ago.

This post was a mistake, like every attempt I ever made to meet others.

[groggog]

Thanks to those who tried to respond, but it's pretty clear that I made a big mistake in forgetting what I am, and because of that most of the normal advice doesn't apply. Professional intervention will only mean coerced hospitalization and my life spent rotting in a nursing home, at best. I've seen the worse-case outcomes too, poor fools thinking they would be helped and wind up thrown in the streets or prison. Reading some of the responses just reminds me of the walls thrown in my face every time I try to do something.

I think there are some people here who are in my boat, and they would understand why it's like this and why it will never, ever change. All I can recommend is to not spend another dime or another minute running into the iron wall of rejection. If this failure is encountered every single time in your life, then get used to it and expect nothing better.

I don't expect I'll be alive much longer, if this can even be called a life. Not one thing was worth all of this misery.

[Jackstock]

[quote]Professional intervention will only mean coerced hospitalization and my life spent rotting in a nursing home, at best. I've seen the worse-case outcomes too, poor fools thinking they would be helped and wind up thrown in the streets or prison.[/quote]
It's actually illegal for a psychologist to reveal any details about a meeting with you. The only time they may do this is if they see your plans to do serious harm to yourself or someone else.

This really isn't about femdom. This is about self-love.
It's important to understand that first of all, everything is fine, and its going to be fine. Things don't have to be this way. You've already decided that you want something else. Look into inner-child healing.

[groggog]

Illegal but they do it all the time. What am I going to do to protest - I'm just a retard after all, and because of that my word doesn't matter. They will automatically rule that I am a harm to myself because they believe me to be too retarded to live - I've been railroaded before and I will be railroaded again.

[groggog]

For what it's worth, at least thinking like this has killed off the problems I was complaining about. Now I just need to remind myself every single day that I'm a retard and never forget why I'll always be alone.

To hell with "healing". There is no life. There never was.

[groggog]

More fun - now I pretty much have permanent erectile dysfunction.
Don't go down this path, there is nothing good about it. I ruined my life chasing after this shit. Just get out before it's too late.
No one gets involved in this fetish without being broken in some way, unless they are exploiting losers.

[jtslave]

Hi groggog,

I too have developed erectile dysfunction, probably as a result of listening to Teenie Weenie and to Headmistress Squirrel's Penis file, among others, as well as working for a long time one on one with a very skilled (and sweet) Master to be feminized and enslaved. So you're not entirely alone in being as you say, broken in some way by hypno fetish.

But I was broken when I started. I mean, I was a fucked up mess for much of my life and to the extent that I may have been successful in some endeavors I still missed out entirely on it because I didn't like myself. Even friends liking me couldn't change my mind about myself. Even having a Master respect me enough to train me didn't help. (Sorry for that, Sir. XOJ)

That's why I started hypno, to change, in my mind to achieve the most perverted thing I could imagine, which turned out to be freedom. Ha on me. And I did change, and am changing, getting freeer. For a long time, like you, I struggled against it. I was like, 'no - if I want it and it feels good it must be wrong!' Lately though,thanks in part to lessons I am learning from hypno, I am feeling more positive. I am happier when I trance and so I wont feel guilty about doing it. Maybe I just don't need to feellike a pervert anymore

Don't know whether it will help you at all, but it is thanks to this conversation you began that I am having these realizations. The comments this topic has received have been very enlightening to me. Yay, big time. Jackstock particularly, thanks for mentioning healing the inner child and giving the meditation link. Big smile.

Groggog, I really appreciate you for stepping out and posing this question to the group here. I really appreciate the folk who have responded to you and unknowingly, to me as well.

With love,

Janice/Geoff

[groggog]

I'm glad you're getting something out of it.

I literally have no life now... just a few online games that are winding down, and living at home trying to take care of my mother. I think she has an idea of what I get up to, but is polite enough not to say anything.

I'd be doing better now if there were something to do, but with all paths blocked off this is all that remains.

[OxyFemboi]

[quote]groggog wrote
I'm glad you're getting something out of it.

I literally have no life now... just a few online games that are winding down, and living at home trying to take care of my mother. I think she has an idea of what I get up to, but is polite enough not to say anything.

I'd be doing better now if there were something to do, but with all paths blocked off this is all that remains.[/quote]

Dude,

I put my life on hold for years while I watched over my Mom slowly losing her mind and muscles to Alzheimer's. It got so bad that I admitted myself to the psych ward. I was suicidal. I didn't think 0anything would change. A few weeks later, Mom was admitted to the hospital; she told me she was suicidal and I couldn't handle that, so I called for an ambulance. When we got to the hospital, I didn't let them turn her away. It was hard, but I did it.

A week later, they called to ask if I could come in to talk with Mom during her doctor's visit. It turned out they didn't want me to talk to Mom; they wanted me there as Exhibit A. "Look at your son; he's run himself into the ground taking care of you. If you won't admit yourself to a nursing home for your sake, how about doing it for your son's health?" Mom looked at me and I still felt and looked fairly run down ... like a tractor trailer had run over me and backed up a few times. Mom did admit herself to a nursing home in October 2007... for my sake.

Things changed after that. I spent the next year getting the house ready to sell. Everybody in the family was a pack rat. Mom had never bothered to clean out Grandma's belongings (she died in 1967), or Dad's (he died in 1995). I found stuff from my Granddad (he died before I was born) and every one of Mom's brothers and their wives (all dead for at least a decade, mostly much longer than a decade). Both Mom and Dad were the last surviving members of their families.

So I know what you are going through. I will say this: It does get better. Really. I've been there, lived through it, and survived. My last memories of both my parents are good ones ... fond ones ... I didn't abandon them when they needed help (even when I needed help).

Your life is only on Pause. It will start up again and you will have good things happen. I would not have believed how wonderful my life is now if I had gone back and told myself. I would have looked at myself in disbelief and asked me, "What shit are you smoking, dude? I want some of whatever you took to get me through this never-ending day after day after day of the same old shit."

I did what was needful ... and I can look back at what I did with pride. I didn't do anything in hope of a reward in this life or the next; I did it because I loved (and still love) my parents and wouldn't turn away from them in their time of need. My life is better now. How much better? My suicidal self would not believe how much better even if I showed him. When you look back at this years form now, you won't believe how much has changed for the better for you. Trust me on this. Been there, lived through it, survived, and prospered. You can as well.

[groggog]

Except... it really doesn't get better. Not when you're in the hole the way I am. I don't think you guys get what it means to live my life the way I have. I am the senile old man begging to stay out of the nursing home, and once that happens there is no way out, not ever. I looked over everything and there really is no way out; not even a hint of that. All doors are closed. They were closed from the moment I was screened out as an infant.
I just read a report that now the screening has intensified. It was once 1 in 150, now it's 1 in 45, soon 10-20% of the population will be marked as social invalids. "We're screening you out" - they're bragging, they're laughing about it.

Whatever happens, indulging in this was the wrong thing and I'll probably regret it when it's thrown back in my face. No one gets into this shit without being sick in some way.
Perhaps, some day, all of this nonsense will be far removed and I can live life the way I should have all along, completely celibate.

Maybe there are some people here who really need to find the strength to quit this addiction forever, and I mean all of it. There is a reason most religions worthwhile discourage sexuality, because it's a disgusting practice. Hopefully some day a good person will find an end-around to the process, but given the direction of the world I don't see that being likely.

[groggog]

Well, now I can't even think about this without becoming morbidly depressed... even as a fantasy.

I'm moving towards killing off the last vestiges of this stupid, stupid fetish; and along with it, I'm killing off any desire for sex at all. Better to be rid of this nonsense.

I'm trying to go for drugs that are basically a chemical lobotomy. That should kill off what's left. I've already accepted that it's my lot in life to be alone forever.

I hope, and I pray, that others reading this who may be thinking the same things gather the strength to realize that the only thing they're going to find is misery, despair, and venereal disease. It hasn't been easy to destroy it all, but I wish I had done this 20 years ago rather than lose so much of my life to this stupid, useless desire. Now, finally, it is happening, and I will be better for it.

If I could go back, I would tell 13 year old me to self-castrate and don't even look back. Back then, I wasn't so tainted, but I should have known then there was nothing but misery waiting for me. Being told all my life that I'm nothing but a predator and rapist should have been my clue, but I was too stupid and too stubborn to believe it.

[OxyFemboi]

[quote]groggog wrote
Well, now I can't even think about this without becoming morbidly depressed... even as a fantasy.

I'm moving towards killing off the last vestiges of this stupid, stupid fetish; and along with it, I'm killing off any desire for sex at all. Better to be rid of this nonsense.

I'm trying to go for drugs that are basically a chemical lobotomy. That should kill off what's left. I've already accepted that it's my lot in life to be alone forever.

I hope, and I pray, that others reading this who may be thinking the same things gather the strength to realize that the only thing they're going to find is misery, despair, and venereal disease. It hasn't been easy to destroy it all, but I wish I had done this 20 years ago rather than lose so much of my life to this stupid, useless desire. Now, finally, it is happening, and I will be better for it.

If I could go back, I would tell 13 year old me to self-castrate and don't even look back. Back then, I wasn't so tainted, but I should have known then there was nothing but misery waiting for me. Being told all my life that I'm nothing but a predator and rapist should have been my clue, but I was too stupid and too stubborn to believe it.[/quote]

I'm going to try to talk you out of this one more time.

No, I'm not going to try to tell you that your feeling are wrong. [But doing something that is irreversible has never been a good idea.] I am just gong to suggest a few things.


Giving yourself a chemical lobotomy is not a good idea, not when you can use a hypnosis file to do the same thing. Use ViVe's Dumbing Down series to make you too stupid to think about using these files. You'll be dumb and happy and horny ... and that seems to be what you want. The Dumbing Down files will take awhile to work but they are permanent and throw in being happy about being dumb as well. The instructions say basically that you need to wank and cum to each file a minimum of five times (ten is optimal). There are thirteen files, though some have two versions. The second file either adds something that wasn't able to fit in the first file or the second file is a "lite" version for those who were really affected because they were already too dumb to understand the first "regular" file. Here's Vive's description and a link to download all the files (there are twenty total files under thirteen file names). You don't notice really changes until file five. The early files (files one through four) set up conditions for the later files (files five through thirteen) to be extremely effective.
Dumbing Down Series
This series is designed to dumb down the listener! Permanent! And it’s addictive! So be careful what you wish for! All the effects are driven by lots and lots of pleasure, conditioning you to enjoy slowly becoming dumber and dumber… Use Headphones for all of those!
For optimal results listen for at least 5 times (that is five orgasms, not five loops of the file) before going to the next file, ideally 10 times!
The light versions in the later files use less tracks to be less confusing.
Link: http://www.vivehypnosis.de/?p=277


If you want to remove all effects of every hypnosis file you have ever listened to, ViVe has a file that will do that. It's called Deep Clean and it works extremely well.
Deep Clean
This file uses the “Deep Down” Induction to get you into a very deep state of trance, and get your innermost mind to where you can erase all triggers and suggestions that you don’t want anymore. You can either focus on a specific suggestion/trigger, or let your subconscious mind decide which ones are deeply positive and enjoyable for you, and then delete all other triggers and suggestions.
Link: http://www.vivehypnosis.de/?p=1980


I also recently read the file description of Curse-Hypnosis as a fetish removal, which is designed to remove hypnosis as a fetish. Here's the description and a link to that file. Why not use hypnosis to remove hypnosis as a fetish? It's fitting in an ironic way.
Curse-Hypnosis as a fetish removal
This file will aggressively remove hypnosis as a fetish interest. That means you shouldn't listen to it if hypnosis is a sexual interest for you. Other effects include deepening trances, and making hypnosis an altruistic interest. It deprograms your thoughts, and changes them so that any hypnosis file that is sexually related will be re routed to give a non arousal response. The harder the listener tries to enjoy arousal based hypnosis files, the less they will effect them. It even has suggestions about becoming frustrated trying to become aroused while listening and taking the headphones off, and going off to do something else instead. It removes the ability to become sexually satisfied from the idea () of hypnosis. It instills a subtle longing to listen to other non sexual related files. Basically this file turns you into a total clean file only listener. You will not want to listen to files that are sexual in nature or content. You will not have hypnosis as a for sexual reasons. STAY AWAY from this file UNLESS you want this. I MEAN IT. IF YOU ARE A FILE JUNKIE who is aroused by hypnosis and doesn't think this will work on you. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, IT WILL.
Link: https://www.warpmymind.com/index.php?ga ... le_id=8625


Or ... there is one more option: Use JackDrago's Alters: Your Inner Demon file to become as evil as you have been accused of being. You're already being punished for doing this evil shit; you may as well commit the sins. This way you will actually deserve the punishment.
Alters: Your Inner Demon — $13
Installs a demon alter who will turn you into a satanic white trash junkie thug who lives for devil worship and sin. WARNING: Contains unsafe sex and drug references. Not removable.
Link: Since Alters: Your Inner Demon is a pay file, I can't actually give a link. The file is a Pay File so the people using ti have to actually think if they want to do this.


I hope you find the peace you want.

[groggog]

By "chemical lobotomy" I mean antipsychotic drugs which have the side-effect of reducing libido. At this point, the side-effect would be a benefit. It wouldn't be the first time I've had to do this. Hoping that going through this process won't throw my life into ruin like it did before. It would be nice if I didn't have to do this, but I'm at the point where the alternative is to bang my head against a wall until I expire. Anyway, it's not exactly irreversible but there are long-term effects... effects I'm already living with, though not as bad as what some others have to live with.
I'm pretty sure people don't like the idea of borderline psychotic people listening to their recordings, for good reason. I cannot listen to this any more without thinking about all the times I've been shunned and all the times I've failed to fit in.

If everything goes the way I plan, it will be for the best. Maybe it will be even better than I hope, if they stop trying to ram me into psychotherapy and force me to blame myself for things other people do. I have enough to blame on myself. Maybe they'll have enough sense to actually think about what they're doing to my brain instead of throwing whatever pill on top of another. Trying desperately to avoid the polypharmacy nightmare.

I can't listen to files or hypno any more without remembering all the times I've been rejected. I'm constantly alert when I have to be around others, and there is basically nothing that is going to change that. I know the people in this thread are trying to help, but at some point I just have to listen to myself and ask what I was even doing in the first place.

[JackDrago]

I honestly don't mind psychotic people listening to Your Inner Demon. I can't vouch for how well it would work on a psychotic person, but it WILL make you feel ok about being evil.

[groggog]

What demon? I didn't ask for this, it was an identity pushed on me, one I have to live with for the rest of my life.
Mostly it's just flashbacks and my failed attempts to rebuild my own life by telling the flashbacks to go away.

I don't like being a monster. I sure as hell never asked for it. I know full well I haven't raped anyone, but anyone can accuse me of anything and I'm automatically guilty in the eyes of the law. Having lived that life for as long as I can remember, I've learned that there is no use fighting.

Unless you count resistance to the total bullshit I've had to live with "evil", I have no interest whatsoever in going down that path. I've seen enough people embrace their "inner demon" and walk over me as a result - I honestly refuse to believe there's anything inner about it at all, and further that this society and its institutions are themselves as demonic as the people. I don't see myself as any paragon of virtue, but then I stopped looking at myself as a whole person... just a lump of flesh tied to a social identity of total shit.

[JackDrago]

Just saying I don't mind. I am well aware that the trance is not for everyone. I just have no objection to you doing it. Given your situation, I would probably advise that you look at the stuf @OxyFemboi suggested. A full deprogram would at least let you escape the torture you are experiencing and start from scratch.

I am an ex addict with dissociative identity disorder, not otherwise specified. I can totally relate to being rejected because of your mental health issues. Honestly, you don't need meds or erotic hypnosis. You need a good therapist to beat you over the head with cognitive therapy until you learn to overcome the incredibly negative thinking you are prone to.

[groggog]

Therapists - supposedly professional ones - already ruined my life enough. The best thing I ever did was walk away from all of them as soon as I could and never look back. Bunch of thieves as far as I care.

It's not like I'm the only person whose life has been destroyed. More people are coming forward every day, and there are far more losers than winners.

[JackDrago]

Presuppositions are powerful, and you have some really toxic ones. Unless you choose to believe that something can help you, nothing ever will.

[groggog]

I've learned to run far, far away from anyone who uses the term "toxic person" or anything of the sort. The philosophy behind that term is really, really disgusting if you think about it.

That is the kind of thinking people tried to push on me for years. Apparently that's the standard treatment these days, and what seems to be in with the kids. My heart dies a little bit more every time I hear that shit bandied around.

Then again it's a convenient mechanism to dump on people who are socially inferior, since waste has to wind up somewhere...
Maybe I think the way I do because of years of experience and mistreatment? This is what early intervention means. The people who aren't caught until adulthood don't know how good they have it. I can never, ever, ever live a valid life, and there really was no way to stop it. It doesn't matter though, I'm just a toxic person, right?

It's weird though - I think doing this is good - for me. Wanting what's best for me is apparently being toxic and evil, and I'm supposed to keep supplicating myself and setting myself up for more failure. It's not like my life is going to have any decent options, but at least this way there will be less screaming. The other option is to keep doing nothing, and it's very likely that will be the only option if this plan fails. Either way, I'm doing whatever I feel is necessary and within my means to break this cycle. Love is not the answer. Hate has kept me alive this long but I'm tired.

For a while I tried to tell myself that my involvement in this fetish was good for me and that I could take something away from this... but eventually I always run in the brick wall of cold reality. It only got really bad when I started wasting money I can't afford to spend and getting nowhere, over and over again.

[groggog]

I'm making this all sound worse than it is. The emptiness is slowly subsiding. Still get the urge but I've been training myself to react with revulsion to all things sexual, and the closer I get to this, the happier I feel in my good moments. Even if my plan doesn't work (assuming it doesn't horribly backfire), I feel better rejecting all of this than I've felt accepting and indulging, at least for a long, long time. There really was only a brief period where I felt I was getting anywhere, and I really wasn't.

So, what is a 33 year old reject with no education, no ability to hold employment, no friends, basically no talents, do with his life? I thought about just saying fuckit, acquire some notebooks and pencils and ramble on paper. I have ideas and all. Right now though, it's hard to even write coherent sentences. I wouldn't be going on these horrid drugs if I felt there were an alternative, but there just isn't.

[groggog]

Well, I got on the drugs. The rest of my libido is diminishing. Considering asking for a higher dosage.

Life still sucks and I can never unfuck the mess I made, but the rest of my desire is dying off, and I don't miss it. If there truly is nothing for me, why keep fighting? At least this way I get to live a bit longer with less screaming.

I still look at some of the pr0n but the desire just isn't there. I look and I walk away, asking myself what I ever found in this garbage in the first place. Physically, I'm impotent and can't get turned on by basically anything. I dispose of my limited urges out of habit, but it is completely unsatisfying and it's about time to quit doing that nonsense. I should have never started, and I'm setting goals to stop wasting my life on that nonsense.

I hope others who read this, who are questioning their desire, find the strength to do something similar. I wasted over 15 years chasing and the end is near. I've known too many men who are destroyed by this, many wind up as suicides. There is a better way. I don't like having to take the shitty drugs and dealing with doctors, nor do I like the prospect of being put on more drugs (the doctor seems to want that). Based on what I was told I'll probably wind up on more drugs... trying to minimize the damage and avoid anything that will land me in prison.

It sucks having to be so manipulative in order to protect myself from danger that shouldn't exist, but that is the sick world we live in.

[groggog]

It's been almost two months now, and my gut instinct was right...

Guys you don't need expensive and pointless "therapy" to run your life into the ground. The simplest answer truly is the best one.

My life isn't perfect and the feelings of despair will never go away, but they're just that... and I know now that I'm right to feel despair, because my life really is that bad.

Now I just have to make sure Dr. Idiot doesn't wreck my life with unnecessary drugs or worse interventions. Fortunately for now I still have a shred of freedom and the drugs aren't micromanaged. My life has already been Hell because of this.

I look forward to the day where psychiatry and psychology are stripped of their legal hold over people. Only then will I be free in any meaningful way... listening to people justify legal overreach sounds much like all of the excuses justifying slavery in the 19th century. Abolition is the only way forward (and it's not like slavery ever went away either, not entirely... the explosion of psychiatry is just an extension of the old slavery.