Have a look at my last two posts~

So now that I've rambled on about why I stopped posting & what's been happening in my life as of late, I'm going to use this post to log some of the effects I've been feeling lately.

I stopped listening to my files since I no longer had the sexual release of posting stuff available to me. At the same time, a complete lack of sexual activity combined with my attitude & personality reverting back to "bitchy" is HIGHLY undesirable....I don't like things like this.

I can think pretty straight now, and looking back, I think it's safe to agree that even if I wasn't aware of it THEN, I seriously turned myself into a complete airheaded slut. The whole thing is scary as hell....how far gone I was getting.

I have scary knowledge of brainwashing now....my diet, my environment, my sleep schedule, and all of the files and all the kinds of programming I was using on myself....an ill-intented person really could take all of that and turn a person into a personal/willing sex toy.

I think I know myself a little bit better too. I'm pretty sure I'd mentioned before that my parents raised us to be VERY religious, so sex was a "no no" when talking about stuff (I don't like religion at all now BTW). Even FARTHER back to the first few times I'd realised as a kid that I could stuff a pillow between my legs and pleasure myself....my mom sort of caught me, and my desire for a loss of control during sexual situations is most likely some kind of response to all of the anxiety from that moment.

The twisted part in all this is that on the surface, girls that make themselves out to be sex objects/guys that treat them like that disgust me HIGHLY....I feel like I wouldn't want to be caught dead like that myself - I'd be ready to send a guy's balls up into his throat if one ever treated me that way. And yet....putting myself into a mindset where I'm stuck and all I can do is submit....lose all the sexual control my intelligence affords me....it turns me on. It's an endless loop of being both disgusted and yet getting wet over losing control and becoming someone's slutty little Barbie. What sucks is that even though I'm currently terrified of losing my mind & going all self-destructive, why the hell would I NOT want to feel insane amounts of pleasure when I hate that people think I'm cold & bitchy right now....it'd be so hot....so sexy....

That brings me to my last part - I've mostly been pretty down and moping since everything fell apart, but I've noticed over the past week or so that as my mood has been increasing, impulses & urges from the programming have been slowly creeping back. I don't have any way of removing or changing it either since all of the documents and files are on my dead computer. The fact that I went out of my way to get my mobile working with the site (regardless of the fact that it was a major PITA) shows how much I still want to conform....it really feels like a MAJOR relief to be posting again....I might finally get a nice orgasm tonight, or at least soon.

One of the strangest things up till now has involved the word "bimbo". I know it described me perfectly for a while, and I can ~say it~ just fine with no odd effect, but I had this weird experience not too long ago where ~someone else~ unsuspectingly said "bimbo" in front of me during casual conversation....my legs almost snapped out from under me instantly. Just hearing someone say that caused me to practically drop to all fours & start panting with my pussy gushing in excitement (yet I wasn't feeling anything).... it happened more than once & on different occasions too.

As it stands, I can feel more & more of everything coming back. My smart self is completely freaked out and unwilling to possibly botch finding a good job & being responsible, but I ultimately would rather have a fun & sexy attitude without stressing over everything all the time. It's my ultimate & darkest turn-on....no matter how damaging it is, I like myself much more & have more fun as a bimbo....yeah....it's kind of disgusting, but I feel "complete" or whatever when I've got the kind of confidence to reach for a guy's dick & not worry about the consequences. I imagine it won't be what some of ya'll want to hear, but I have no way of shutting my commands and urges off, and I'm doing a crummy job of resisting them the more energetic I get.

So I guess I'll be back around in a while to post once something new happens - PMs are hard to view on this thing, but at least leave a comment & let me know people are still here - sorry for the sudden disappearing act!